All The Men In My Life Keep Getting Killed By Candarian Demons

ANNIE
All the men in my life keep getting killed by Candarian Demons

ASH
All the men in your life keep getting killed by Candarian Demons.

ANNIE
First there was Ed, a really nice guy.
Didn’t talk too much but I didn’t mind.
I was all set to marry him, but
before we could consummate Ed was killed by a Candarian Demon.

ASH & JAKE
Candarian Demon, Candarian Demon, Candarian Demon

ANNIE
Then it was Daddy

ASH & JAKE
Daddy

ANNIE
Who I could count on.

ASH & JAKE
Awoo

ANNIE
He loved to read the Necronomicon

ASH & JAKE
Book of the Dead

ANNIE
He also enjoyed playing board games.
But he can’t sink my battleship now
‘cause Dad was killed by a Candarian Demon.

ASH & JAKE
Candarian Demon, Candarian Demon, Candarian Demon”

ANNIE
They say love is cruel and I believe them, my heart’s always broken.
‘Cause the men in my life keep getting killed by Candarian Demons. Why?

JAKE
I don’t know.

ASH
Annie baby, I know it seems bad now: it always does!
But I think you’re exaggerating a touch Sugar Bean.
I mean, sure, your father and fiancé were killed by Candarian Demons,
but that’s only two men, isn’t it?
I mean there’s no way that
ALL the men in your life could have been killed by Candarian Demons!

ANNIE
Oh, no? It was high school

ASH & JAKE
High School

ANNIE
Senior prom.

ASH & JAKE
Oh yeah!

ANNIE
Going with my steady Howie Brown.

ASH & JAKE
Howie Brown

ANNIE
perfect night

ASH & JAKE
Howie Brown?

ANNIE
Like I always dreamed.

ASH & JAKE
little girl’s dream…

ANNIE
But when “Stairway to Heaven” began
Howe was killed by a Candarian Demon.

ASH & JAKE
Candarian Demon, Candarian Demon, Candarian Demon

ANNIE
All my college boyfriends and my one-night stands!
My male co-workers and platonic [bad word] friends.

ASH & JAKE
Hey!

ANNIE
Every date I go on ends in demon bloodshed.
And now that I’ve met you two guys I know you’ll soon be dead!

ASH & JAKE
What the f--?

ANNIE
They say love is cruel

ASH & JAKE,
Shoop shoo-wa

ANNIE
and I believe them

ASH & JAKE
Shoop shoo-wa

ANNIE
my heart’s always broken.
‘Cause the men
in my life—and I mean ALL the men (in my life)
EVERY single man!—in my life,
keeps getting killed by Candarian Demons!

ASH
Candarian Demons

JAKE
Oo-ee-oo-oo!

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